Growing up with BPD, my relationships often resembled emotional roller coasters. I became overly intertwined with the emotions of those around me, particularly my “favorite person.” For me, my favorite person was the one I loved the most and hated the most. They triggered a deep longing, but when they slighted or angered me, my love quickly dissipated into intense hatred. I was either all in with them or all out. My favorite person’s approval would elevate my mood and connect me, so I never wanted them to leave. However, when they angered me, I wanted them to disappear and never return.

It’s interesting how I would dance around the kitchen, sing in the shower, and feel utterly blissful when connected to my favorite person. However, their disapproval could plunge me into such a deep depression that I didn’t want to go on. My psychiatrist labeled these dark feelings as suicidal idealization. But when things were going well for me and my ex, and I was utterly in love with them, I prioritized his needs first. I even pushed my son away to take care of my lover’s needs.

I now realize that a grown man’s needs should never trump those of a young, innocent, and dependent child (especially when the child depends solely on you for their emotional health and well-being). I feel sick to my stomach at how my ex-boyfriend and I were so tightly intertwined and how I isolated myself from other relationships. I tried so hard to make him love me and, in turn, I thought that love would complete me.

I put all his needs ahead of my own. I didn’t have any boundaries. I allowed him to do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted. For instance, he could treat me worse than garbage, but I allowed him to touch me whenever or wherever he liked. I always answered the phone or texted, even though he’d leave me on read for days with no response. I didn’t file charges when he stole my car without permission and did a lot of other heinous things that I’m too embarrassed to talk about. Instead, I pumped myself with prescription pills to ease the pain.

I did my best to make him happy so he wouldn’t become a rageful and hurtful monster. Our identities felt linked and my self-esteem depended on his actions and perceptions of me. The fear of abandonment made me cling to him and others I cared about because I was afraid of being left. After a while, I didn’t even recognize myself. I sacrificed my entire identity to please him and others. I wanted them to be happy, but I was so unhappy in the end.

Enmeshment complicated my ability to form healthy relationships. When my identity was so interconnected with someone else’s, I could hardly remember or express my desires or needs. It’s like I forgot who I was. The cycles of anxiety and frustration came and went. I craved closeness but feared losing myself. I lacked clear boundaries and became a pushover. I did my best to avoid conflicts, which left me drained and miserable.

Recognizing and distancing myself from enmeshed relationships has been hard because these patterns were present in childhood. My mother had traits of someone with NPD or narcissistic personality disorder, so it was difficult to be myself. Instead, I meshed into pleasing my mother to keep her happy and myself safe. I then chose partners who were like her.

Having a mother with NPD traits made me normalize toxic relationships. My mother always manipulated and controlled me and I grew up taking care of her and not taking care of myself. I depended on my mom for my emotional needs and this fostered dependence in me. Being someone with BPD, my patterns ran deep and I had a hard time ending toxic relationships, but doing so was vital to my self-discovery.

You lose yourself if you stay with someone and intertwine with their personality. You do not know who you are and your chances of becoming yourself diminish daily. For your inner peace and healing, you must leave enmeshed relationships and toxic people. You must learn new healing methods. You must learn to love yourself more. You must remember that connection does not mean that you lose yourself.

Time and separation can create space to explore who you are independent of others. Counseling, journaling, and trusting yourself can also help. If you’re struggling due to enmeshment, get help now. Break free today so you can grow your interests, values, and passions, leading to a more authentic life aligned with your true self. I did—and you can too.