I would go from happy to sad in an instant . I was raised by a narcissistic mother who cared only about herself and how things looked. She didn’t see me as a person. I was merely a possession. Early signs of my BPD might be confused with puberty, but it was more than moodiness . Yes, I had mood swings, but they were intense, and my feelings of abandonment caused me to act impulsively. I often sought partners who were like my mom. The painful cycle of being loved and then abandoned repeated with my partners , and this idealization and devaluation left me feeling alone . I was anxious and felt unworthy of happiness. I wasn’t in control of myself or my emotions. After years of trying to control myself, I finally sought help. Therapy became my saving grace . The therapist ’ s office was my sanctuary. I felt safe and secure with her , and she helped me heal.

The process was scary and intimidating but necessary . Obtaining a professional diagnosis was critical for my recovery. I was constantly evaluated based on the then DSM – 4 , now DSM – 5 criteria , which revealed that I had a fear of abandonment, unstable relationships , and a negative self – image . Receiving a BPD diagnosis created mixed emotions – a relief to have a name for my ment al health challenges finally , but also the weight of being labeled with a mental condition. I also felt hopeless because I couldn ’ t take a peel to feel better. Every day , I had to work hard to get better In 2018 , I found hope after feeling lost for over eight years. The cause of my spiral was that a close friend committed suicide, and I felt extreme loss because they , too , had BPD. Yet, in the darkness, I saw light. I realized that I could choose a different path. I could get help and recover.

Living wi th BPD is like living in an emotional hell that no one understands. Although I desire closeness, my relationships feel strained because I put much pressure on people. I want them to stay close. I suffocate them , and my anxiety , coupled with my abandonment conflicts , make my heart heavy. I have low self – esteem and seek validation from others. How they see me impacts my viewpoint about myself. It is hard for me to engage with my authentic self. Once people learn about my condition , they seem to treat me diffe rently , as if there is something wrong with me. Well – meaning friends and loved ones hesitate to get close because of my neediness. I often see people as good or bad. There is no in – between stage.

I learned that practical communicati on skills are key to he althier relationships through therapy . They help me share my emotions, meet the needs of others , and get my needs met , too. I’ve learned that it isn’ t all about me. One crucial lesson I ’ ve learned is the importance of being around positive people. S upport ive people help me feel safer. They understand my struggles. Engaging communities and resources such as unenmesh .com are critical to my success. Working with my coach and therapist has helped me set boundaries and achieve g oals. I am committed to healing and know I am not alone. I know I can heal with time.

Over time, I have learned that BPD is a part of me, but it doesn ’ t define me. With Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), I have made tremendous progress. I practice mindfulness and have learned great coping strategies to help manage a myriad of emotions. Establishing healthy boundaries is easier than it used to be. I have healthier connections with others and am becoming happier each day.

I still have hard days but see a flicke r of light at the end of my dark tunnel. I have BPD , but I am living proof that you can overcome mental health challenges if you ’ re willing to work hard and persevere through hard times. You can change if you’re willing to change and work hard toward your goals.

If you ’ re struggling with BPD or another mental health challenge, please seek help. T he right therapist or mental health professional overseeing your condition can help you heal. Organizations like the National Alliance on Mental Illness are great resources. They can help you understand mental health issues and support you when you ’re healing.

As I continue to heal, I know it is important to be independent and not rely on others for validation. Autonomy is important. Learning how to separate my identity from those around me, mainly from my NPD mother, has been hard. Making peace with our toxic bond has helped me grow in ways I never thought possible. Enmeshment can complicate relationship s and can erode your self – esteem . I am thankful to my therapist and coach for helping m e heal from trauma and reach my goals.

If you struggle with enmeshment, BPD , or toxic relationship challenges, don ’ t give up. You can achieve peace of mind and autonomy. You can heal. Embracing one ’ s individuality leads to joy and fulfil lment, enriching relationships with loved ones. There ’ s nothing wrong with seeking help. You don ’ t have to feel alone. Together , we can change the misconceptions that surround BPD and build a world free of stigma for those impacted by mental health challenges.

You will find someone else. They will find someone else. Or, you’ll be happy alone. Either way, life will go on.

As someone with BPD, who was enmeshed with someone with very severe BPD, I open – heartedly guarantee this. A partner that drains your energy, agency, and self – esteem is NOT the partner for you.

Here’s what you can expect when separating from your partner with BPD.

Stage 1: Starting the conversation

People with BPD are highly emotionally volatile and sensitive. Depending on their symptom profile and how well – managed their BPD is, it may feel impossible to find a way to bring up such a dev astating topic. If your partner also has reservations about the relationship and brings them up subtly or explicitly, this could be a great time to start that conversation gently .

Don’t rely on them to initiate. Start by bringing it up in an indirect way . For example

Hey [X], can we talk for a sec?

1. I’ve noticed that I’ve been feeling drained when we spend time together. Have you noticed that as well?… 
2. Do you feel like you get enough alone time?
3. I’m a bit stressed , and there are some things I’d like to chat about. Is that cool?
4. We’re [y] months / years into our relationship, and I just wanted to touch base. How are you feeling about it?

You’ll sometimes hear advice about being extremely direct and asserting your boundaries. This can put some people off from breaking up with their partners, because they feel afraid to, it’s not in their nature, or they don’t want to hurt their partner needlessly.

Don’t worry, you will be asserting your boundaries later! Starting indirectly is equally good, as long as you reach the same conclusion.

Your partner will likely still react emotionally to indirect conversation starters (you would , too!), but this will be a more relaxed starting point for the conversation.

Stage 2: Conflict

Once your partner senses you’re thinking about breaking up, they react emotionally. Breakups are distressing for everyone, but people with BPD have their emotions dialed up to the maximum in intensity.

Your BPD partner may spiral into guilt, rage, or sadness. They may start arguing with you, reinforcing your love for each other and how you’re meant to be soulmates, or getting enraged. Their extreme reaction is the BPD way of d ealing with overwhelming emotions.

At this point, you’ll need to reinforce that you want to break up continuously . Leave no room for doubt. You can establish several minimal points about the other person :

• You feel that you’re too dependent on each other
• You feel like it’s draining when you spend time together
• Reinforce the extent of your understanding of their constant suffering , but tell them that you can’t emotionally support the unhealthy ways they deal with emotions. Redirect them to a therapist .
• You think that you both should step away and focus on recovery fully

Stage 3: Ensuring safety without involving yourself

Part of the symptom presentation of BPD is that people with BPD cope with their emotions with unhealthy behaviors. This could involve harming themselves, attempting suicide, binge eating, risky sexual behaviors, or using drugs. You don’t need to dive in and save them, like you’ve probably had to many times throughout the relationship. Let them cope in their way unless they’re posing serious harm to themselves (actual risk of suicide beyond an unfulfilled threat, permanent self – harm injury).

In this case, you can ensure your partner’s safety without further involving yourself. Call a trusted friend or family member of theirs and/or emergency services. You can attempt to remove nearby sharp objects or pills. No matter how painful it is to see your partner this way, you can’t take responsibility for what they do. Their actions are theirs alone and it’s not your responsibility to keep them from spiraling. However, it is your responsibility to not spiral with them. You’ve already spent so long carrying their pain. You can put it down now.

Stage 4: Post – breakup

Congratulations! You’ve completed the most challenging part of reclaiming your life. Rejoice , celebrate, and let the people in your life know (they’ve probably been the biggest haters of this relationship themselves). Many people may not have told you how they felt about your partner , but tell them too. It’s annoying, but you’ll hear people say, “Oh, this relationship was literally the worst!” for the first time, after you’ve already broken up .

Your partner with BPD will likely be out there testing your boundaries. You will receive texts and phone calls. They may think they can get back together with you after they sort themselves out. Continue to reinforce your boundaries, and that you don’t want to communicate anymore. 

“Hey, I don’t think it’s healthy for us to communicate anymore. I won’t respond further, but I wish you the absolute best.” 

Or, even softer: 

“Hey, I don’t think it’s healthy for us to communicate anymore. Thank you for what you’ve given me in this relationship, but I won’t respond further. I wish you the best.” 

If your now – ex still tries to contact you, stop answering.

Stage 5: Recovery

Depending on how long and destructive your relationship was, you will be recovering for weeks to months. Forgive yourself for how long it took you to break up. You were doing your best.

You may feel instant relief. You may feel your free time suddenly open up before you like a boundless field.

You may feel crushing grief. You may feel confused. You may begin processing the amount of hell your enmeshment your partner has put you through. I still haven’t processed my enmeshed relationship that ended five and a half years ago. You may not understand what even happened to you throughout your relationship.

Fortunately, you’ll soon experience:

Stage 6: Freedom!

You have given up a lot to be in this toxic relationship and now it is time to take care of you. It’s time to rediscover who you are and why you like (and yes, love) yourself. By being committed to your heal, you will experience self-confidence and self-love. By  re – engaging in hobbies and reconnecting with friends, you’ll experience life.  Your inner light and weight will shine and you’ll begin to feel a sense of agency, autonomy, and personhood. You’re longer being tossed around in a turbulent relationship that swallows you up whole.

It is shocking how much an enmeshed relationship takes away your joy and freedom. You’ll start to experience what that is. You may have forgotten, but trust me, the body and heart remembers.

Breaking up with your enmeshed BPD partner will be extremely difficult. It’ll be exhausting, emotional, chaotic, and make you question your decisions and sanity. Leaving a toxic and draining relationship is the best thing you can do for yourself.

Best of luck – you can do this!

Due to their fear of abandonment, those with BPD may engage in emotional manipulation, gaslighting, outbursts, self – harm, and frantic efforts to keep their partner s and loved ones from leaving.

What is NPD?

Narcissistic personality disorder ( N PD) is a personality disorder marked by a grandiose sense of self – importance. Those affected have an excessive need for admiration and typically fail to show empathy. They also tend to exhibit pathological entitlement and often walk through the world believing that their feelings, ideas, and values should be centered at all times.

To embellish their egos, those with NPD routinely engage in exploit at ive behaviors, show little or no interest in others, and put others down, commonly in front of people. They tend to overreact to any criticism (perceived or rea l) and fixate on their power and success. They experience failed relationships consistently , too, as they ’ re unable to consider the needs or desires of others

BPD vs NPD

While BPD and NPD lead to exaggerated emotional reactions(including rage),playing victim during conflict, and the inability to maintain employment, the reasons behind their behaviors differ. Those with BPD fear being left, while those with NPD fear not being admired. Even so, insecurity tends to drive both disorders.

Those with BPD may often feel shame for their outbursts and behaviors and are frequently more willing to get treatment. Those with NPD, on the other hand,regularly blame others for their actions and don’t believe they need any help.

How to Leave Someone with BPD or NPD 

Being in a relationship with someone with BPD or NPD often results in a toxic experience that requires the unafflicted partner to set boundaries and possibly leave. The way to do this includes the following:

• Learn about BPD or NPD so you understand what yo u ’ re working with
• Put yourself, your needs, your wants, and your desires first
• Engage in self – care, take up a hobby, and spend time outside the relationship
• Be firm in what is acceptable and what is not 
• If you decide to leave, make a plan that prioritizes your safety , and be direct in your decision
• Seek professional help and everyday support (such as from friends and family)

More than anything, permit yourself to break free. Remember, you ’ re not the cause of your partner ’ s personality disorder, and you can ’ t be the cure, either

After my stunt, I spent two weeks in the inpatient unit while they figured out what was wrong with me. They diagnosed me with many three to four-letter acronyms, but the first one surprised me. BPD. Borderline personality disorder.

“I don’t think that’s right,” I said, closing off, sinking into the chair. BPD was for crazy and toxic people. People who ruined lives. But all of my animosity was directed towards myself, never others.

BPD is widely regarded as the most stigmatized mental disorder.

People with it are thought to be highly toxic, manipulative, and unstable. But it’s not commonly known that you can have BPD and display more ‘quiet’ symptoms, directed only towards yourself. The core symptom of instability remains the same, but the outward manifestation of ‘quiet’ BPD is much harder to notice and diagnose. People with BPD, like me, experience extreme emotions in reaction to minute changes in their environment, their moods switching rapidly many times a day. They have an unstable identity and cope with their emotional suffering using unhealthy behaviors.

The hallmark instability of BPD heavily extends to BPD relationships. For example, enmeshment is a much more common phenomenon in BPD relationships (whether you have it or whether you’re with someone who has BPD).

Enmeshment happens because people with BPD have an unstable identity and tend to idealize their partners excessively. This can lead them to restructure their lives around their partners, spend all their time with them, rely only on them for emotional support, and feel like they have no meaning outside their partner.

Meanwhile, people in relationships with someone with BPD can feel exhausted. They may think that if they don’t provide their partner with constant, intensive support, their partner will engage in dangerous and self-destructive behaviors. They can feel drained, as though they have no life, and their life entirely revolves around their partner’s emotional states.

Here’s what no one told me (or likely you) about BPD. Although I’d heard of BPD countless times before, and even dated someone with BPD in my adolescence, I only found out about this shortly after tweaking out in a hospital bed.

BPD is not permanent and is not a mental illness in the same way that depression or schizophrenia is.

I learned that the BPD diagnosis is a cluster of harmful frames of thinking, feeling, and acting that can be unlearned with therapy. The sharply distorted BPD mental model can be unlearned in place of a healthy, realistic, and even joyful experience of reality.

Marsha Linehan, an ex-BPD patient, developed a sage and practical system for BPD called DBT. DBT has valuable skills and frameworks that actively create change. It consists of individual and group therapy and takes about 6 months to a year to complete a full cycle. I am now working through DBT and am excited by the changes in myself and other BPD patients that I’ve seen recover.

Once a patient with BPD experiences at least one complete cycle of DBT therapy and no longer displays BPD traits, they are in remission. Although BPD is a challenging disorder to live with or live around (if you have loved ones with it), we live in a lucky time where someone has already developed an effective system for dealing with it.

DBT doesn’t talk down to you. DBT doesn’t require you to unearth your past traumas or cause you to suddenly start thinking about how awful everyone around you is. It just gives you tangible steps, not to feel like you are constantly on the verge of going insane, and to see the world in a way that reflects reality. It gives you ways to cope when you feel extreme negative emotions, treat the people around you the way you wish, and make effective decisions.

However, it isn’t easy. If you have a complex mental health diagnosis like I do, including ADHD, or struggle with executive functioning, it can be challenging to find a way to make DBT work for you. It requires a lot of homework and that you somehow remember all the immense quantities of skills. I haven’t fully figured that out yet.

But getting a diagnosis, although it was trying and under awful circumstances, has been enlightening. It has helped me understand what’s happening in that weird, wonderful mass we call consciousness. I can live more easily knowing that there’s a system that addresses all my strange modes of behavior.

Suicidal thoughts. Eight hours worked a week. Relying on my loved ones for financial support. Sink full of dirty dishes. Clothes swallowing up my bedroom. Floors that haven’t been washed in months. A fridge that’s always empty. My beloved creative pursuits untouched. My friends were uncalled. More fifteen-hour nights of oversleeping.

I don’t claim to have all the answers. I’m still struggling myself. However, DBT has given me a system to address my challenges over time intelligently.

Please do not be put off by the stigma and misinformation that BPD is a damning and unfixable diagnosis. If you think you or your loved one might have it, please start doing some research and speak to a psychiatrist. I hope, amongst hopes, that you, or your loved one, can approach BPD as a diagnosis of fixable behaviors that can be confidently worked through. Whether it’s DBT (which I believe is very wise and effective) or any other therapy modality, I promise that the money is worth it. The time is worth it.

However:

For people with a BPD partner, as a person with BPD:

Imagine your partner doesn’t want to work through the issue, or you feel too exhausted all the time and believe you can’t handle it.

If your relationship is draining you in any way, then leave it.

I’ll repeat it.

If your relationship is draining you in any way, then leave it.

Why would I say that as someone with BPD? What does “in any way” mean?

I have been in relationships with people with BPD and have been stripped of my autonomy and energy, just as I assume you have. I have learned to protect my energy, drive, and joy viciously. My experience as the ‘carer’ in an enmeshed relationship has led me to have no tolerance for codependent behavior in myself and others.

I developed a simple principle that led me to the man I will marry – if I feel drained after being with someone, I will not pursue a relationship with them and will part ways. If I get not just a neutral but also a positive impact from being with someone – more energized, more balanced, more motivated – then that is a relationship I can pursue. I’ve dodged many unnecessary relationships with this personal principle, and am now with a warm, kind, intelligent, peaceful man who fully respects my autonomy and values.

As someone with BPD, I give you “permission” to leave. It is your right and responsibility to protect yourself.

If you have BPD and are worrying while reading this, don’t worry! You can have healthy and fulfilling relationships with partners that you bring joy to. I’m referring to people with BPD partners who aren’t willing to change or who have too significant a negative impact on their life.

I hope to have given you some insight into you or your loved one’s BPD diagnosis, as well as ways to move forward.

Whatever you choose to do from here (Try DBT!! Try DBT!!), I believe in you dearly.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

BPD is a mental health condition that influences one’s sense of self, ultimately impacting how someone sees others and functions in everyday life and relationships. It’s typically defined by instability, impulsiveness, and extreme emotions.

At the root of BPD lies an intense fear of abandonment, something that’s cruelly ironic as the impulsivity and mood swings of this disorder can indeed push others away. While those with BPD generally want to foster healthy and loving relationships, the fear of their partner, friend, or family member leaving can cause anger, outbursts, and self – injurious behaviors. When this happens consistently, it causes irreparable fractures in a relationship, leading to the abandonment of those with BPD due t o fear.

What are the Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder?

As mentioned above, impulsivity, emotional extremes, and unstable behavioral patterns are typical symptoms of BPD. Other symptoms and more specific signs include the following:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imaginary abandonment
• Volatile relations hips that generally seesaw between reverence and resentment
• Rapidly changing mood swings that turn on and off like a light switch Borderline Personality Disorder_ JJK-CLEAN.docx
• Switching between jobs or constantly butting heads with coworkers or supervisors
• Lack of self – identity, goals, or values
• A fel t sense of boredom or lack of purpose
• Issues with rage, which can manifest as intense outbursts or more subtle bitterness (including over – the – top sarcasm and pettiness)
• Substance abuse, gambling, binge eating, overspending, speeding, and other reckless beh aviors
• Self – injurious behaviors, including hair – pulling, cutting, or hitting one’s head against a wall
• Suicidal ideation or attempts
• Paranoid thoughts centered on the fear of abandonment
• Disassociating from oneself , others, or reality
• Attention – seeking beh aviors and a perpetual need for affirmation or reassurance
• Splitting is a defense mechanism that causes people to view others as either all good or all bad, with no nuance in between (this may also manifest as all – or – nothing thinking)
• Lack of accountabilit y
• Legal troubles that, when serious, can result in jail time

What Causes Borderline Personality Disorder?

With so much unknown about the human brain, it’s hard to pinpoint the exact cause of BPD (or other mental illnesses), but it’s believed that genetics, as well as specific changes in the brain, play a role. Some of BPD’s risk factors include the following:

• I mmediate blood relative with BPD or other closely related conditions
• A childhood marked by abuse, neglect, or invalidation
• Past exposure to patterns of unpredictable relationships (especially during youth)
• Separation from a parent or caregiver at a young age
• Co – occurring mental health conditions, including depression, ADHD, eating disorders, and other personality disorders (including narcissism)
• A serotonin imbalance, a neurotransmitter that regulates sleep, appetite, and mood

Borderline Personality Disorder_ JJK-CLEAN.docx BPD is usually the most sev ere in young adulthood, and symptoms tend to get better with age . However, the underlying fear of abandonment persists , and BPD, in general, is considered a life – long condition. This ultimately leads to the repeated pattern of difficult relationships. Fort unately, psychotherapy, coping mechanisms, self – care practices, and medications can offer those with BPD (and the people who love them) much – needed hope.