When support turns into a safety net that removes all risk, it enables the person struggling not to grow and face their issue but rather to stay stuck and dependent. This is where codependency and enabling come into play. What feels like loyalty can become emotional overextension. What appears to be protection might be permission for unhealthy behavior to persist. The remaining questions are, “How do codependency and enabling work together?” “Why do they persist?” “And most importantly, how does one break free from the cycle?”

Codependency is not merely caring too much; it’s losing yourself in the process of trying to “save” someone else. When a person is codependent, they prioritize the needs, feelings, and survival of another person who’s usually in crisis, at the expense of their own emotional and physical health. The reason why it’s called “codependence” is that the codependent person basically “needs to be needed.” Enabling, on the other hand, is when your actions shield another from the natural consequences of their behavior. For example, your friend tells you that they haven’t studied for their exams because they were busy with work. The likely outcome here is that they will probably fail their exam. But you, the loyal friend, step in and help them cheat off you at the risk of possibly getting caught and punished with an immediate F.

Is that enabling? Not necessarily, it’s a one-time thing, but when your friend feels comfortable not studying for their exams because you’ll be there to help, and indeed, you are. You are now enabling their behavior and being codependent. Enabling is the smoke that rises from the fire of codependency, hard to see at first but suffocating if ignored.

These two behaviors feed off each other in a self-reinforcing loop, often rooted in fear, guilt, or an unconscious desire for control.

How does co-dependency show up through enabling? Since it doesn’t always look like a big, dramatic rescue, sometimes it’s quieter. For instance:

• Keeping the peace at all costs, even if it means biting your tongue through the pain.
• Making excuses for another person’s toxic or self-destructive behavior.
• Taking over their responsibilities, not because they can’t, but because you don’t trust them to—this, most of the time, is seen in child/parent dynamics, but is also very present in adult relationships.
• Downplaying the severity of their issues (“It’s not that bad.”)
• Putting their needs above yours, time and time again. This isn’t a compromise; it’s a sacrifice.
• Feeling guilty for setting even the most basic boundaries.

You don’t have to be pouring shots to enable an alcoholic. Sometimes, it’s just paying their rent. Financial support, such as repeated bailouts without accountability, creates dependency, not safety; emotional covering, such as telling yourself that your friend is just tired when they are drinking again; caretaking by fixing every mess they make while no one’s fixing your issues; avoiding topics out of fear that they’ll leave or explode; being overly involved to the point where you know more about their emotions than your own…

Now that we’ve successfully labelled the issue, it’s time to understand what drives enabling behavior, and the answer lies in deeper emotional wounds: Fear of being abandoned or unloved; desire to be essential to someone’s life; unresolved guilt or shame, often from childhood; poor boundaries, if not none at all; learned dysfunction, passed down like a cursed family heirloom… Until these motivations are addressed, the pattern will repeat: a different person, the same dynamic, and the same fallout. For the enabler, they will suffer burnout, resentment, a hollow sense of identity, plummeting self-worth, anxiety, depression, and even physical illness. At the same time, the enabled will go through developmental stagnation, stay emotionally immature, go through deepened addiction or destructive habits, and have zero accountability with no incentive to change. The relationship itself will suffer from skewed power dynamics, characterized by cycles of guilt, anger, and manipulation. All of this will be fueled by a loss of genuine connection. Trust will crumble, and intimacy will rot.

Fortunately, although the pattern grips hard, it is nonetheless a simple one:

Problem arises > Enabler swoops in and saves the day > Consequences are softened or erased > Problem repeats.

Each cycle provides a twisted reward: the enabler feels needed, and the enabled avoids reality and its consequences. Both are trapped, mistaking dysfunction for devotion.

Now, to break it, all you need to do is reclaim yourself through:

• Acknowledging the behavior without drowning in guilt. Name it without shame.
• Setting clear boundaries. Yes, it might feel uncomfortable; that’s a sign of growth.
• Allowing consequences to unfold naturally, pain is, unfortunately, sometimes the only real teacher.
• Focusing on your healing: your needs, your identity, your life…
• Finding your people. Be it through therapy, support groups like Al-Anon or CoDA… You don’t have to do this alone.
• Encouraging accountability, not through control, but through truth.

In conclusion, as much as you might mean well, if your support keeps someone sick, it’s sabotage, even if the only person suffering is you. Codependency and enabling disguise themselves as love, but they poison you from the inside out. Healing means choosing the truth over comfort, accountability over illusion, and self-respect over self-sacrifice. Let them stumble, let them grow, and step out of the flames. It’s time to stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone warm.

She doesn’t question it—at least, not at first. But there’s always something slightly off. A strange pressure. A subtle fear of disappointment. If someone could observe enmeshment from the outside, it might look like a parent’s form overlapping a child’s—a clear outline for the parent, while the child appears faded around the edges.

Over time, the child learns that keeping the parent happy is her role in the family. She’s praised when she’s agreeable, accommodating, and quiet. She begins to derive her self-worth from how effectively she keeps her parents calm. But the moment the parent acts out—often explosively, as part of the disorder—the child internalizes it as her failure. “I must have done something wrong.” A deep feeling of shame follows—the kind that makes a child want to disappear.

As she grows into a teenager or young adult, the child struggles to form an identity separate from the parent. Any attempt to individuate—through friends, partners, or career choices—may be met with sabotage. The parent criticizes her new relationships, finding fault with anyone who might pull her away. The emotional control may come cloaked as a concern: “I’m just worried about you.” But the incessant phone calls, shame, guilt, fear, and subtle criticisms are all efforts to pull her back in.

Playing this role starts in childhood but continues into adulthood. She may attract partners who mirror the emotional instability of the parent who rages or silences her needs. She becomes people-pleasing and self-sacrificing. She may appear outwardly capable and responsible but feel internally depleted—anxious, self-doubting, unsure of what she wants or needs. Her sense of worth is buried under years of adaptation.

This deep, chronic stress often takes a physical toll: hormonal imbalances, autoimmune conditions, adrenal burnout, and chronic anxiety are not uncommon. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk famously said, “The body keeps the score,” even though the mind works hard to suppress the pain.

The hardest part is that this adult child won’t realize what’s happening until she’s utterly depleted—emotionally threadbare from meeting everyone else’s needs but her own. The process begins quietly at first, but eventually, she hits a wall of exhaustion so profound that even adapting no longer works. When the body, soul, and nervous system can’t carry the weight anymore, the door to healing can finally open.

And even then, it isn’t easy. Attempts to reclaim boundaries or create distance from the parent may be met with intense resistance. Guilt trips, manipulation, self-harm threats, sudden illness, or emotional collapse are common tactics from the enmeshing parent—often unconscious but still incredibly damaging.

The journey to healing starts with information, clarity, and support. Reclaiming the self after enmeshment means grieving a lost childhood, facing the anger that’s been pushed down for decades, and learning how to manage the relationship with the BPD/NPD parent in self-protective ways. It’s a complex and shaky road—but it’s worth it. A good therapist can offer specific tools for navigating contact with BPD/NPD parents. More importantly, they can help the adult child develop internal safety—something she never had.

It’s not a linear path. There are setbacks. But with patience, persistence, and self-compassion, it is possible to feel whole for the first time.

Realizing that being loved should never require losing your voice is one of an adult child’s most freeing awakenings. And if you’re beginning to whisper “I want more,” even to yourself—you’ve already started.

Loss of Self = Suffocation, Confusion and Guilt

Enmeshment can occur in romantic relationships, families, and even friendships. However, with all enmeshed relationships, there is excessive emotional closeness, so one or both can feel suffocated and confused. Individuals may experience profound feelings of guilt when attempting to assert their independence. The distinct characteristics that differentiate an individual from others can become compromised, subsequently resulting in analogous feelings of depression, powerlessness, fear of rejection, and more.

Parental and Romantic Enmeshment

Some people enmesh with a parent or caregiver when they’re young children. In some of these instances, the parents may have BPD or NPD, be an alcoholic, or have another mental health condition. They often expect the child to meet their emotional needs, and the young child may have enmeshed with their parent to receive love and protect themselves from further abuse or neglect. In turn, individuals in romantic relationships often enmesh because they have previous relationship trauma or an intense fear of rejection and don’t want the relationship to fall apart.  In some social norms, individuality is discouraged, and families experience generational patterns of codependency.

Devastating Effects of Enmeshment

No matter how someone finds themselves deeply connected with another person, it’s important to recognize that this can sometimes lead to feeling lost, less confident, or unsure of one’s own identity. Many people in these types of close relationships might feel overwhelmed by their struggles, often experiencing anxiety, sadness, or stress. 

Overcoming Enmeshment

Being in an enmeshed relationship can be emotionally and physically painful, stressful, and challenging to get away from. Enmeshed relationships often feel close, but they are unhealthy and unsafe. Enmeshed partners cross boundaries and encourage one another to lose themselves for the sake of the relationship. These relationships are disingenuous and foster dependence. To overcome enmeshment, you must learn to be comfortable with yourself. You must know your value and don’t put others above you. You must protect your peace, be authentically you, and learn how to regulate your own emotions (and only your emotions). You must focus on yourself and not need outside validation. You must treat yourself with respect and love and know that you are not responsible for anyone’s emotional state, and they aren’t accountable for yours.

Break Enmeshment Patterns Today!

You must strive for higher self-esteem and focus on making healthy connections without losing yourself.  Some people can do all of the above independently, whereas others have to utilize a combination of tools like journaling, meditating, or group meetings. Sometimes, individuals have to enlist the help of a trauma-informed therapist and/or a trauma-informed life coach who can help them develop tools to separate from their enmeshed partner. Either way, you can overcome enmeshment patterns. It may take time, but you can do it.

This is the enmeshed mother-daughter experience, and if you’ve lived it, you know how heavy it is.

What’s the Enmeshed Meaning?

Enmeshed relationships are a pattern of relationships in which personal boundaries are blurred or even nonexistent. Instead of two separate individuals with their own thoughts, needs, and identities, enmeshed relationships are marked by emotional fusion. In an enmeshed dynamic, your sense of self is wrapped up in the other person, often so tightly that it feels impossible to know where they end and you begin.

Enmeshment isn’t closeness. It isn’t a connection. It’s control, disguised as love.

It’s a relationship where your mother’s emotions are your responsibility, her needs come first, and yours aren’t even recognized. It’s being told you’re “too sensitive” when you speak up, and “ungrateful” when you pull away.

It’s being groomed to disappear inside her, and calling it love.

How NPD and BPD Fuel Enmeshment

If your mother had traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), you would become an extension of her ego. Maybe you were her golden child—the one expected to reflect her brilliance, success, and perfection. When you performed, you were praised. When you pushed back, you were punished.

If your mother had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you became the emotional stabilizer. You never knew what version of her you’d get. You were her everything one moment, and the scapegoat the next.

You learned to scan every room for her mood before you spoke. You became fluent in her needs before you even knew your own.

These patterns don’t just cause tension. They cause relational trauma—the kind that makes you question your right to exist as a separate, whole person.

You Were Never Meant to Carry That

You were a child. You deserved to be seen, not used. To be supported, not smothered.

Instead, you were expected to be a caretaker, confidant, and emotional buffer—and punished for stepping out of line.

And still, the world told you how “lucky” you were to be so close. No one saw the price you paid.

But now, you do. And the anger you feel when the truth starts to surface? Let it ignite.

That anger is a compass. Let it point you back to yourself.

Reclaiming Your Self Is Not a Betrayal

Healing begins with awareness, by naming the patterns, by getting to know your rage and grief, by reclaiming the parts of you she exploited, and discovering the parts she never allowed to exist.

Maybe you’ve spent years trying to explain yourself, hoping she’d finally understand. But healing isn’t about getting her to see you. It’s about finally seeing yourself clearly, fully, and without apology.

And if she says you’ve changed? You have because you’re finally choosing you.

What Healthy Closeness Feels Like

Healthy closeness honors autonomy. It feels safe and respectful. It holds space for who you are, not what someone needs you to be.

Maybe it’s hard to imagine what that kind of closeness feels like.
Maybe you’ve never known it.
Maybe you’re still grieving that.

That’s okay.

It may feel unfamiliar at first. But unfamiliar doesn’t mean wrong.

It means you’re learning to live free.

You Get to Choose Something Different

Whether you’re just starting to see the pattern or deep into this process, know this: it was never your job to be everything to someone who couldn’t see you as a separate person.

That’s not love.
That’s enmeshment.
And you get to choose something different.

They may also put their partner on a pedestal and fear letting them down, doing something their partner would disapprove of, or upsetting them. While healthy relationships involve partners who want to make each other happy, enmeshment weaponizes this desire.

Enmeshment in romantic relationships also typically harbors the concept of “no me, just we.” In other words, the couple fails to have independent friends or hobbies outside the relationship. They do everything together or nothing at all.

Enmeshment in Familial Relationships

Enmeshment in families most often happens in close families (both in terms of connection and location). It can occur between parents and kids, among siblings, or between various family members. In enmeshed families, boundaries blur so much that they disappear altogether, displaced by over-involvement in someone else’s everyday life and decision-making.

A few of the ways this might present include the following:

• Parents who demand a say in their grown children’s career choices
• A mother who views her son’s moving away as an act of betrayal (even if that move is due to a job or other opportunity)
• A sister who oversees her grown brother’s dating life
• An adult child who refuses to spend their own money without obtaining parental approval
• A brother who reads his sister’s diary under the guise that he’s trying to protect her

Merging Without Enmeshment

Healthy relationships require two (or more) people to connect without engaging in enmeshment. The way to foster this type of balance includes the following:

• Set healthy boundaries: If relationships had a motto, this would be the tagline! Setting boundaries includes permitting yourself to say “no” to things that don’t align with your goals and conveying your limitations and needs.
• Focus on yourself: Focusing on yourself means exploring what you like, dislike, and value. It also means giving yourself space to pursue these passions and engage in self-care (whether enrolling in a yoga class, volunteering at an animal shelter, or learning how to draw).
• Get professional help: Untangling from enmeshment on your own is challenging, but soliciting professional support can give you access to tools and guidance to make the barrier easier to overcome.

Enmeshment is never a good dynamic, whether between families, friends, or star-crossed lovers. Recognizing that it’s happening is the first step in rebuilding your relationship with a healthy, balanced foundation at its core.

If you suspect that you might be enmeshed, here are some things that you can look out for:

• Lack of Personal Boundaries: Frequent violations of personal space, privacy, or emotional boundaries.
• Emotional Dependence: Feeling overly responsible for the other person’s emotions and well-being. Ex. You worry about the other person all the time. You care for their needs even if you don’t care for yours. For instance, if you’re enmeshed with a parent, you might worry about them being lonely. If you’re enmeshed with a partner, you only feel happy when the other person is happy too.
• Fear of Abandonment: Intense anxiety at the thought of separation, leading to clinginess or over-communication. Every time you are apart from your loved one, you feel emotionally unstable and unsafe. You think they will leave you and you will never find love again.
• Identity Blurring: Difficulty distinguishing one’s feelings, desires, and thoughts from those of others. For example, if your partner is sad at you, you immediately become sad too. You use them to regulate your feelings and they do the same for you. This is different from support when you try to help someone. This is taking on the emotions of someone else.

Conflict Over Needs: Frequent misunderstandings or arguments about personal needs or expectations. For instance, you may feel your partner doesn’t respect you, but you never say anything about the disrespect. Instead, you keep giving more of yourself, hoping the other person eventually comes around.

Enmeshment is not easy to overcome, but with perseverance and commitment you can get unmeshed. Learning how to set boundaries is key. You also must communicate openly with your partner. Learn not to rely on them for all your happiness and understand that, even though emotional support is essential, providing yourself with self-care is the most important. You don’t need anyone to validate you because you can learn to do that yourself.

If you tend to over-connect or enmesh with others, you must realize that enmeshment is not your typical relationship issue. It is a difficult and demanding relationship that requires recognition, compassion, and lots of patience. Recognizing and deciphering enmeshment patterns is the first step. Next, you must commit to leaving toxic relationships and prioritizing your autonomy and independence.

Even though the un-enmeshment process can be scary, the liberation will lead you to a happier and more fulfilled life. Just remember that you can have healthier relationships, become more independent, and, like me, start to reclaim your identity and set healthier boundaries!

Let ’ s say I had a wonderful day at work and home. I was really happy and in an awesome mood because life for me was going so well. Then my mother would call me once. I didn’t answer. She ’ d call me again and again and again. I still wouldn’t answer because I was driving in traffic and trying to concentrate or secretly I didn’t want my mood to change. Either way, when I finally answered, she would be seething mad. Madder than angry because I hadn’t answered and mad at the original thing she had called me about.

I’d sense her breathing and immediately ask, “ What’s wrong ? Did someone pass away? Are you hurt? ” She’d ask what took me so long and why didn’t I respond right away . I would immediately tense up and my mood would shift. I’d feel a knot in my stomach growing. My anxiety would be creeping up and up and up. The more I heard and felt her anger the worse I felt. When she finally told me what was wrong, she said, “ The teller at the bank didn’t speak to me when I walked in to the bank . I think she ’ s jealous of how much money I have. She spoke to the person in front of me , but she didn’t speak to me. ” She then proceeded with, “ I need you to come over right now. Stop whatever you are doing so you can go with me to t he bank before they close. We need to take all my money out of the bank so I can go to another bank that respects me. ”

I would then try to calm her down by telling her that maybe the teller didn’t know her. I’d tell her that maybe something was going on with the teller ’ s life. She would proceed to get angry at me for not agreeing with her. She immediately told me that I didn’t know what I was talking about because I was not at the bank when the apparent slight happened . She then said that I must come over right then so we could act now.

Then I would become angry at the teller for not speaking, mad at myself for not answering when she needed me and then sad because I couldn ’ t speak up for myself to tell her , “ No , ” because I was afraid that she would be ma d and take out her anger on me ; that she would abandon me and that I would suffer like I did as a kid. As soon as I agreed and said that I was angry too, she would become happy and start calming down. She ’ d feel good that I was going to take care of it. It was almost like I would take on her emotions and , when I did, she ’ d let that emotion go. Then the rest of the night I would be mad while my mom would be ecstatically happy like I had been before the call.

Looking back, I can see that my mom ’ s actions we re her classic BPD and NPD . Apparently, the teller didn’t make her feel special enough. The teller’s actions somehow triggered something in my mom that angered her and my mom, in turn, expected me to fill the void . She wanted me to validate her feelings, to show loyalty over something that was not my business or not my problem. I responded according to my warped programming. The bank teller didn’t do anything wrong to slight my mother . Even if she had ignored her o n purpose, my mother could have chosen to ignore the lady or gone to another teller. There wasn’t anything that either of us should have been “ mad about. ” It wasn’t that serious ; it didn’t warrant three back – to – back urgent calls from my mom and it didn’t w arrant me losing my peace and happiness all night from absorbing my mother’s anger.

With trauma therapy, I learned that I was my mother’s emotional regulator, but I didn’t have to keep the job. Through trauma counseling, I learned that healthy support is not emotional regulation. Nowadays, I’m not enmeshed and don’t regulate my mom’s emotions. If I sense my mom is trying to use me as emotional regulation, I tell her, “I hear that you’re upset, but I can’t fix this for you,” or, “I am sure you will work it out.” Other times, I’ll hang up the phone to give her time to work it out and to protect my peace.

I’ve also learned to recognize unhealthy relationship patterns. I know that I am not responsible for anyone else’s feelings when I did nothing to cause those feelings. I set stronger emotional boundaries and know that it’s OK to care about yourself first. I keep a close eye on my people-pleasing tendences and have learned how to care about myself first. I detach from my mom’s issues and try to remember that “I am not my mother’s keeper. Her emotions aren’t mine to manage.”

What is Codependency?

Codependency is an unhealthy and unsustainable relationship pattern where o ne person overly relies on the other, constantly turning to them for engagement, excitement, and emotional lifting. While strong partnerships make room for all kinds of support, co – dependency takes things to a toxic level, with one partner offering support at the expense of their well – being.

Some examples of codependency include the following:

• A wife who assumes her husband’s responsibilities, such as managing his calendar, calling his employer, and scheduling his doctor appointments, typically to her det riment
• A husband who adopts his wife’s likes and hobbies instead of exploring his interests
• A spouse who insists on knowing where their partner is and who they’re with at all times
• A girlfriend who feels responsible whenever her boyfriend is in a bad mood and takes it upon herself to fix it
• A friend who constantly gives more of themselves than they get back

What is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment involves erasing personal boundaries; it occurs when someone or several people in a relationship become consumed with another person’s life or too entangled in their decision – making and everyday existence. Enmeshment can involve one guilty party, such as a mother who read s her daughter’s private journal, or it can affect multiple people, such as a married couple who abandons their friends and family so they can purely focus on each other

Other examples of enmeshment include the following:

• Parents who unreasonably immerse themselves in the lives of their adult children
• A spouse who is unable to find joy (or anything to do) whenever their partner is out of town
• A boss who repeatedly makes an employee feel guilty for leaving at their scheduled time

Why Do Codependency and Enmeshment Happen?

While codependency and enmeshment differ, they’re destructive relationship patterns with standard foundations. Often, these patterns emerge due to mental health challenges, including addiction and borderline personality disorder ( BPD) . They may also arise because of trauma, a lost sense of self, learned behaviors, a turbulent childhood, or fear of abandonment (a fear at the heart of BPD ).

Codependency and enmeshment can occur individually or together; breaking their cycles require s confronting stubborn beliefs and moving away from ingrained habits. Although people can change independently , professional help is crucial to making that change easier and permanent.