She doesn’t question it—at least, not at first. But there’s always something slightly off. A strange pressure. A subtle fear of disappointment. If someone could observe enmeshment from the outside, it might look like a parent’s form overlapping a child’s—a clear outline for the parent, while the child appears faded around the edges.

Over time, the child learns that keeping the parent happy is her role in the family. She’s praised when she’s agreeable, accommodating, and quiet. She begins to derive her self-worth from how effectively she keeps her parents calm. But the moment the parent acts out—often explosively, as part of the disorder—the child internalizes it as her failure. “I must have done something wrong.” A deep feeling of shame follows—the kind that makes a child want to disappear.

As she grows into a teenager or young adult, the child struggles to form an identity separate from the parent. Any attempt to individuate—through friends, partners, or career choices—may be met with sabotage. The parent criticizes her new relationships, finding fault with anyone who might pull her away. The emotional control may come cloaked as a concern: “I’m just worried about you.” But the incessant phone calls, shame, guilt, fear, and subtle criticisms are all efforts to pull her back in.

Playing this role starts in childhood but continues into adulthood. She may attract partners who mirror the emotional instability of the parent who rages or silences her needs. She becomes people-pleasing and self-sacrificing. She may appear outwardly capable and responsible but feel internally depleted—anxious, self-doubting, unsure of what she wants or needs. Her sense of worth is buried under years of adaptation.

This deep, chronic stress often takes a physical toll: hormonal imbalances, autoimmune conditions, adrenal burnout, and chronic anxiety are not uncommon. As Dr. Bessel van der Kolk famously said, “The body keeps the score,” even though the mind works hard to suppress the pain.

The hardest part is that this adult child won’t realize what’s happening until she’s utterly depleted—emotionally threadbare from meeting everyone else’s needs but her own. The process begins quietly at first, but eventually, she hits a wall of exhaustion so profound that even adapting no longer works. When the body, soul, and nervous system can’t carry the weight anymore, the door to healing can finally open.

And even then, it isn’t easy. Attempts to reclaim boundaries or create distance from the parent may be met with intense resistance. Guilt trips, manipulation, self-harm threats, sudden illness, or emotional collapse are common tactics from the enmeshing parent—often unconscious but still incredibly damaging.

The journey to healing starts with information, clarity, and support. Reclaiming the self after enmeshment means grieving a lost childhood, facing the anger that’s been pushed down for decades, and learning how to manage the relationship with the BPD/NPD parent in self-protective ways. It’s a complex and shaky road—but it’s worth it. A good therapist can offer specific tools for navigating contact with BPD/NPD parents. More importantly, they can help the adult child develop internal safety—something she never had.

It’s not a linear path. There are setbacks. But with patience, persistence, and self-compassion, it is possible to feel whole for the first time.

Realizing that being loved should never require losing your voice is one of an adult child’s most freeing awakenings. And if you’re beginning to whisper “I want more,” even to yourself—you’ve already started.

This is the enmeshed mother-daughter experience, and if you’ve lived it, you know how heavy it is.

What’s the Enmeshed Meaning?

Enmeshed relationships are a pattern of relationships in which personal boundaries are blurred or even nonexistent. Instead of two separate individuals with their own thoughts, needs, and identities, enmeshed relationships are marked by emotional fusion. In an enmeshed dynamic, your sense of self is wrapped up in the other person, often so tightly that it feels impossible to know where they end and you begin.

Enmeshment isn’t closeness. It isn’t a connection. It’s control, disguised as love.

It’s a relationship where your mother’s emotions are your responsibility, her needs come first, and yours aren’t even recognized. It’s being told you’re “too sensitive” when you speak up, and “ungrateful” when you pull away.

It’s being groomed to disappear inside her, and calling it love.

How NPD and BPD Fuel Enmeshment

If your mother had traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), you would become an extension of her ego. Maybe you were her golden child—the one expected to reflect her brilliance, success, and perfection. When you performed, you were praised. When you pushed back, you were punished.

If your mother had Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you became the emotional stabilizer. You never knew what version of her you’d get. You were her everything one moment, and the scapegoat the next.

You learned to scan every room for her mood before you spoke. You became fluent in her needs before you even knew your own.

These patterns don’t just cause tension. They cause relational trauma—the kind that makes you question your right to exist as a separate, whole person.

You Were Never Meant to Carry That

You were a child. You deserved to be seen, not used. To be supported, not smothered.

Instead, you were expected to be a caretaker, confidant, and emotional buffer—and punished for stepping out of line.

And still, the world told you how “lucky” you were to be so close. No one saw the price you paid.

But now, you do. And the anger you feel when the truth starts to surface? Let it ignite.

That anger is a compass. Let it point you back to yourself.

Reclaiming Your Self Is Not a Betrayal

Healing begins with awareness, by naming the patterns, by getting to know your rage and grief, by reclaiming the parts of you she exploited, and discovering the parts she never allowed to exist.

Maybe you’ve spent years trying to explain yourself, hoping she’d finally understand. But healing isn’t about getting her to see you. It’s about finally seeing yourself clearly, fully, and without apology.

And if she says you’ve changed? You have because you’re finally choosing you.

What Healthy Closeness Feels Like

Healthy closeness honors autonomy. It feels safe and respectful. It holds space for who you are, not what someone needs you to be.

Maybe it’s hard to imagine what that kind of closeness feels like.
Maybe you’ve never known it.
Maybe you’re still grieving that.

That’s okay.

It may feel unfamiliar at first. But unfamiliar doesn’t mean wrong.

It means you’re learning to live free.

You Get to Choose Something Different

Whether you’re just starting to see the pattern or deep into this process, know this: it was never your job to be everything to someone who couldn’t see you as a separate person.

That’s not love.
That’s enmeshment.
And you get to choose something different.

You may also feel as if you “can’t get away” and that you are stuck in unhealthy patterns, or even a trauma bond. We recognize your dilemma and are here to help.

Some of our coaches have been whe re you are now. They understand the pain, frustration , and fear of dealing with a challenging spouse. You may even feel you’re walking on eggshells to keep them happy. But the question is, are you happy? If the answer is a resounding “no”, there are certai n things that you can do to un – enmesh from a toxic and impulsive partner.

1. Put Your Safety First

This is non – negotiable. Imagine your partner is showing dangerous, impulsive behaviors, like physical violence, making threats, self – harm, or acting recklessly. In this situation, your safety should be the top priority. It’s important to establish clear and firm boundaries and consider how to respond if those boundaries are crossed. This might mean seeking help from authorities, shelters, or trusted loved ones who can support you.

2. Setting Boundaries , but Be Careful

Signs of impulsiveness in your partner might be physical violence, self – harming, or even a total lack of responsibility. In the above instances, it is fine to look out for yourself by setting boundaries that will protect you from getting overwhelmed and signal your partner that they are crossing a line.When dealing with an impulsive partner, you must be clear about what you are willing to accept and what to expect of each other in the rela tionship. However, you must also be on guard for any pushback that you might receive from an unhinged partner. Boundaries are not punishments; they are acts of self – respect.

3. Seek Professional Help

When dealing with impulsive partners, you should never und erestimate the importance of mental health professionals. Choosing to speak with a therapist or scheduling a checkup at the hospital is a sign of strength and a clear indication that you are willing to work on yourself. In many cases, your partner may be u nwilling to seek therapy – you should go regardless. You can’t change someone else, but you can change yourself. You can become stronger and better equipped to handle toxicity while keeping yourself safe.

4. Never Underrate the Importance of Support

Impulsi ve people sometimes have specific insights into their affinity for acting on impulses. You should serve as their support point if they reach out to you. At this point, you can start by openly and honestly discussing how their behavior impacts your relation ship and mental health. Be careful , however, because many toxic people suffer from comorbid mental health challenges, like BPD and NPD , and will not take accountability for their actions. They’ll gaslight you and make you feel like everything is your fault.

Let them know that you will not be mistreated. Stand your ground and know that you don’t have to take abuse. There are trauma – informed life coaches who can work alongside your therapist to help you untangle yourself from a toxic or emotionally draining partner. They can help you set realistic un – enmeshment goals and can help you develop more self – confidence and self – esteem.

5. Encourage Self – Reflection and Healing

In everything you do when dealing with an impulsive spouse, there mus t always be room for self – reflection. Become self – aware by recognizing your thoughts and feelings, and understand that you did nothing to cause your partner to experience impulsivity.

Conclusion

After highlighting some steps you can take to deal with a n impulsive spouse/partner effectively, we know that sometimes impulsivity can get so bad that you might need to get out of the relationship. However, all hope is not lost for impulsive spouses who are self – aware and committed to getting better and seeking the help they need.